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JuanJuan
Okay. Where to begin?

So for years now, let's say about five years, I've been tossing back and forth about being a girl or a boy for the first four years or so. Not to say this is something that only started then, because I've wanted to be and felt like I was a boy sometimes before that too. It just happens that I didn't pay attention to stuff like that until I literally dreamt that I was a boy when I was sixteen. 

Now, when you grow up learning that there are only male and female as genders, you basically are what you were raised. So of course I was a girl, and wanting to be a boy or dressing that way sometimes is just me being me. Didn't help that I didn't have any friends I was able to compare situations with so as far as I was concerned, that was normal. 

Then by highschool, when I actually made friends, I had no reason to try and understand something that was normal. 

After that dream however, I was hit with a sudden realization that I definitely wanted to be a boy. Even before that, I used to google on whether or not I was a male in my past life. So, drastic as that reaction to a simple dream was, it made a lot of sense at the time. 

Then came the odd period of being self conscious whenever I select what clothes I would wear and those times I feel disgusted by my skirts or the other times my shorts feel too strange. 

I researched about changing genders and stumbled upon a whole list of different genders I didn't know existed. Bare in mind, I was already heading towards being classified as a little so seeing more things I knew nothing about before was only mildly shocking. 

Anyway, I did some research and thought things through and it just didn't feel right. Sometimes the female parts I had felt wrong but other times I didn't care because I accepted them and they were normal. I cringed at times when thinking about how I'd have sex and other time I didn't. There was even the time when I became depressed for a while because I wanted kids but the thought of baring them with my body sometimes felt wrong. 

It was a rough journey but in the end it was simple. 

Over the past year I've come to accept that yes I was female but I sometimes identified as a male(surprisingly this is mostly when I regress). During those times I don't like the terms she or her and actually preferred they or them. Sometimeshim or his are okay too, but it gets confusing when I once again begin to identify as my biological gender. 

I now have almost no problem when thinking about having kids in the future, although I now have a bit more fear about the process than I used to. I think that's probably because I now know too much though. And I am perfectly content with my new gender identity.  

I know I'm a big rubber ball of mess but I hope to find (a) Caregiver(s)/Dadd(ies) or maybe Momm(ies) because that's okay too, who can accept all of me and shower me with all the love and care I need and desire. 

- Love, 
Juam-juan

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